Loving Me, Loving Mom, Loving God

Picture this: a thin, brown-skinned girl, not exactly kayumangging kaligatan but darker and taller than most of the fairer mestiza kids in an exclusive all-girls school, with thick white-framed eyeglasses, black hair pulled into a neat ponytail pinned with a big blue or black silk ribbon on top.

This waif of a girl would also speak so softly almost like a hush that her teachers often coaxed her to raise her voice a decibel higher.

She didn’t wear boy shoes as most of the girls did, and which she too wanted, but always wore her black ‘Mary Janes’ to go with her bobby socks trimmed with lace.

In other words, she was the 1960s’ version of a school nerd — the odd girl out, so she thought.

Now don’t get me wrong – but my being conscious of my brown complexion was only when I did not know any better; my mother would often tell me my complexion was something to be proud of. As I grew up, I disliked using whitening lotions and the like.

Me in grade school as a shy “nerdy” pupil…

And that was what made me so terribly shy in grade school. Dared I not join a group during breaks unless one classmate would call me in or was with me. And in the class, I’d often wait for the teacher to call on me to recite even though I knew the answers well.

Yet, in a strange way – my shyness would also lead me, at times, to venture out with courage to play all by myself in the school playground, or enjoy fun rides with schoolmates from other sections during our school fairs. Or to sign up for a drum and bugle class, a singing group, and a painting class in high school.

You see, I could never carry a tune ’til now, and I could only splash a mixture of colors on my drawing pad – my idea of being a future Picasso or Monet. But I still surged ahead with doing all these. Just because.

I remember the look of stunned disbelief of one particular  talented young boy upon seeing me on our first day in the painting class, like he saw his dog or cat taking up the brush. I sensed a note of contempt as he asked me why? He seemed to think based on his self-righteous standard, I wasn’t meant to be there. SO… what?

The spirit of that young girl from way back still lives in me — as I pursue my passions with a mix of confidence, audacity and spunk. And that is what I love most about myself – because it’s what makes me unique, what gives me the courage to learn new things, cultivate new interests like blogging…a late bloomer in the field of writing.

That lakas ng apog  was sparked by my Mom’s own passion for living, for she indeed was a woman oozing with confidence and grit, inspiring in me and my siblings to achieve our goals, test new waters and scale the heights.

And that is what I love most about her, my dearest Mom, even if she’s no longer with us. To her I will forever be grateful for this, and whatever I achieve, to God be the Glory!

 

A Message on the Great Fr. Reuter

As my first share with www.englishallyoucan.org, here’s a piece by Lotis Key regarding her experience as a young girl. Read on and find out what relationship she had with the late great Father James Reuter. — A. Ramirez

I Love You Father Reuter

I was twelve when my parents divorced.

My father was a tall, golden haired, blue eyed American, who’d served in the Pacific, and returned home flourishing a delicate souvenir from the Philippine Islands.

My tiny mother, observing this new world through almond shaped eyes, looked up to see tall, white America, bending down to examine her. They spoke slowly and loudly at her, remarking to each other, “Isn’t she cute?” My mother had her Masters, a PhD in English literature, was fluent in four languages, and did not like to be referred to as cute.

After two painful decades of having to buy her shoes in children’s stores, she broke the law, and with two half-white daughters in tow, escaped back to Manila.

I wasn’t yet a teenager when we stepped off the ocean liner. The intense heat, the constant swirl and hum of laughing, yelling people, was overwhelming. My mother moved quickly to hide us, and within a few weeks, my younger sister and I were installed in a Catholic girl’s school: St. Paul’s College of Manila.

It was unclear. We were barely religious, maybe only very slightly Catholic … at Christmas. Who was St. Paul? We were children, why were we going to a college? Ah, the confusion was only beginning.

Both of us came equipped with English, Spanish and casual French. The lingua franca was Tagalog, which we could not read, write, nor understand.

Both of us were much taller than the Asian girls our age. My sister was a blonde. I had a forest of curly hair. Like a nightmare in slow motion, we were buried alive, in a landslide of shimmering, pitch black tresses, that flowed from the heads of graceful, miniature nymphs. These girls didn’t guffaw their laughter, they giggled demurely. They didn’t argue a point; in disagreement they pursed their lips and lowered their eyes. They didn’t push or shove; they pouted and turned away slowly, lifting high, one perfectly curved eyebrow. We were wildflowers blown into a hothouse of exotic orchids. They wanted to talk about love. They looked us over and asked … did we have a brother? We had no brother. Ohhh, tooooo baaaaad.

We also didn’t have the right shoes. The right socks. The right book bags.
This was the 1960’s and we’d been raised by bohemians who’d encouraged us to speak our minds, ignore our appearance, and argue both sides of Fidel’s take-over of Cuba.
We were American peasants in bad need of a full spa make over.

To make matters worse, we had no father. Not only had my mother married a white man, she’d divorced him, and retuned home with two fatherless girls. This information produced a wave of deep shock that washed over everyone around us. Where is your father? Will he come to get you? Will you see him again? Does he have another woman?

My sister, being younger, took it more in stride and prospered, artfully winning friends with her honeyed locks and dimpled smile. I closed and toughened. My mother had managed to escape imprisonment on the wrong planet, and one day, I would do the same. I was an alien who would never, ever, paint her fingernails.

Then, one morning, studying alone on the stone steps of the school chapel, my life was changed. I looked up, to see a tall man in a white cassock crossing the quadrant, Sister Nieves, and Sister Joanna, hurrying to keep up with him. He was talking in the loud voice of the white male, not hushing his tones for propriety’s sake. He was striding along purposefully, not mincing his step to accommodate the women. The bright sun on his golden hair haloed him, making his approach akin to that of a bright comet. Was I dreaming? Was this a saint? Was I dead, but didn’t know it yet?

The angel marched straight towards the chapel, and hypnotized by my approaching destiny, I froze. Looking down at me, a homeless animal crouching on cold stone, he smiled and said brusquely, “You must be the fatherless girl”. His eyes were blue, blue, blue. This was the first white man I’d seen since having bolted America. In coloring and shape he looked startlingly like my father, whose memory was evaporating within me.

Sister Joanna said, “Her name is Lotis”.
Sister Nieves said, “Lotis, this is Father Reuter”.

I was paralyzed, like the kitten before the tiger. Father Reuter, put his large, white gold hand on my curly head and said, “Come, talk to me, I’ll hear your confession”. Confession? What was that? What should I confess? That I felt ugly and stupid? That I hated this place? That I hated myself? Ignorant of the concept of personal sin, unaware of what confession was supposed to consist of, these were the things I told him.

I talked to Father Reuter that day, and many, many more days, over the years to come. He heard my “confession” in person, every week or so, and the rest of the time, I talked to him in my heart, in my dreams, in my prayers. In reality he didn’t treat me any differently than any other little girl. I was no special pet or favorite. I don’t know if he even thought of me at all outside the confessional. I am unaware if I ever made any particular impression on him. No. It was him who made the impression on me.

Father Reuter, had been sent to the Philippines, by the Jesuits, just before WWII and was interned by the Japanese. At wars end, the Jesuits asked him to stay on for a bit, and he did … returning to the U.S. for a visit, only once, in the next 60 years. There was nothing of the effeminate about this priest. Nothing soft, flabby, or repelling. His love was not vague, distant, or carefully guarded. A gruffly practical, quick tempered, get to the point!, kind of priest, he could grab you by the back of the neck, give you a shake, stare you down, and demand immediate love and obedience in the same instant. He was a steely eyed, unflinching priest, who rarely whispered when he could shout, loved with an iron fist, and was simultaneously feared, and adored, by all who knew him.

In this day of gross immorality, I don’t know if anyone can understand, how, without the slightest hint of sexual impropriety, a little girl can love her priest, and find her salvation through him. But it is true. Father Reuter was more than a man, or a priest. He was a father.

Before I knew God in the personal way I now do, I knew Father Reuter in place of Him. Before I could accept God as my Father, Father Reuter was there to model that role for me. I was a lost child, who might have been lost forever, if not for this celibate male taking me for one of his children. He encouraged me to speak, and communicate, my thoughts. He pushed me to develop my voice. He made me understand that even if I didn’t fit in, I was valuable to him.

After high school I went on to a life filled with many elaborate diversions. I did foolish things, and was pushed by a curly haired, wild nature, to adventures that sorely tried all around me. I can remember times I would pause for an instant and think, “I should go to Father Reuter for advice”, but pride mixed with shame, would erase the impulse. In my heart nestled a deep fear he might no longer love me. Anyway, I was an adult now, capable of dealing with life.
I no longer needed a father of any kind.

I finally did go to see Father Reuter, but only recently, some 40 years since I’d last seen him at my graduation. I’m not taller than I was in high school, but bent over with age he was now shorter than me. His trembling hands and feet, were misshapen with arthritis. His golden hair was gone. He was wearing his cassock and seated in a wheelchair, yet when I entered, he struggled to rise, and kiss me.

I looked into his eyes and they were blue, blue, blue. I was twelve again, and struck dumb with love. I could barely talk, and in his fatherly way he understood, and did the talking for me. Nothing important really, just making enough sound to ease the tension and let the ghost years slip away. As time dissolved between us, the feeling of his strength, the powerful force of his love, the intensity and vigor of his fatherhood, coiled and wrapped itself around my heart, pulling me to my knees before God, in the very deepest of gratitude for this man.

Dear, dear man, I never said this to you, but I always wanted to:

I love you Father Reuter, and I always will.

 

Update: The above piece was a story shared by one of the people who supported me when I was starting this blog. In the beginning, this blog was open to anyone and to my students who wanted to share their thoughts and stories. But many of my friends and students lacked the time or the inclination to really write. I have kept their posts though in appreciation of their support for my blogging effort. A huge thanks and much love to you all! — Summer

Unspoken

For one brief moment
in the great sea of eternity
we have met;
We’re both small drops of seconds
in the river of time…

Like a single pebble
I’ve caused a ripple
in your cool pond of serenity;
While you’re the soulful wind
that kissed the splendid pearl
from out her shell…

I remember the beautiful name you gave…
You must have loved me then…somehow;
A treasured pearl…could I really be
that way for you?

Whatever that lies between us
then and now…
is like dewdrop from Heaven
so refreshing and sweet.
Yet…life is still far from crystal clear…
The pain of silence torments
and we’re both sad…

For one brief moment
in the great sea of eternity
we have met;
but I know
Immortal we’ll always be
In each other’s heart.

 

This poem also appears on Writing.com together with some of my other poems.