Truth of My Life Now

This is thetruth of my life – right now, today, this moment” – that I find myself being pushed towards the precipice of a mountain or at times towards the edge of the shore.

And it scares me. I feel so alone and weak.

What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.”

–Muriel Rukeyser

Lately you see, a confluence of several factors is challenging my inner peace. Things that just came up unexpectedly, without warning.

Some are things I can control — like in the area of work and finances – but I keep procrastinating. I know I should be actively doing something to change the tide of uncertainty. Yet something deep inside keeps holding me back.

Am I losing my self-confidence, my faith in my skills and capabilities?

Like I know I can write well, but when I see the requirements of the different writing jobs I have been browsing over, it seems to me they are too much for me to handle. So the dilly-dallying.

Then the opportunity to travel overseas – far from my mind at this time, and to the US at that, presented itself from out of the blue in the form of an invitation from a brother of mine for a short family visit. Yet instead of feeling thrilled, fear keeps tearing me at the seams.

Why? This bothers me so much.

For one thing, I dreaded the long, tedious process of applying for a tourist visa, including appearing at the embassy, only to be rejected in the end. Anxious to be given a visa, I worry things may not work in my favor, especially as it will be my first travel ever out of the country.

Then I also hate the idea of traveling across the continent to another all by my lonesome. While others will see this as an adventure of a lifetime – here I am beset with negativity.

But despite all these unpleasantness I feel – I still choose to keep an open mind and be grateful for the call to be more self-reliant and brave.

Finally, this is what I see behind all this –and this is the great truth of my life right now:

that God is putting me in the place to grow myself in a special way at this point in my life. I have to get rid of all the what ifs, the shoulds, my expectations and desires – and just forge deep into myself to unleash my inner resources and power as I face the great task ahead of me.

God is pushing me to the edge of the mountain, so I can fly  higher and spread my wings onto new directions. God is leading me to the shore, so I can learn to swim and navigate the wide ocean of possibilities and make good decisions.

In other words, it is time to get out of my comfort zone and see the world beyond my own.

I just pray that God guides me with His Strength, Abiding Love and Peace, so I can overcome whatever challenges I now face.

 

* This post, with some minor revisions for this blog, is my response to the writing prompt by Ms. Laura Davis. To learn more about her and see more prompts as well as writing workshops/retreats, you may go visit her site, The Writer’s Journey Roadmap.

Author: TeacherMarich

A creative at heart with a passion and joy for living out her soul dreams, and that include her love for teaching and writing —

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